Cat Milk - Best thing since sliced bread?

Two food versus the modern world incidents combined to horrific effect in my world yesterday. I was reading the Bookseller in my new place d'emploi (See there is a literary content to this crap!) and took note of the cover:



A loaf of bread. The line "There's always room for improvement" You open the mag and inside the advert continues with a picture of a sliced loaf. Obviously we are meant to accept sliced bread as an improvement over non-sliced. There's even a cosy little saying "Best thing since sliced bread" to back up the assertion though that is clearly more advertising. Sir! I beg to differ...

Pre-sliced bread is crap. If I want a sandwich then I want thin slices. If I'm making toast that is going to be covered with...hmmm...mmm...let's say Humus - then I want a great slab of bread. Then there's the issue of freshness. Sliced bread has a far greater surface area than non-sliced and is therefore going to go stale at a faster rate. You can get around this by adding stuff to it but that just makes sliced bread even more crap.

Later I was in the supermarket with Finn. Whilst mum did most of the serious shopping we "helped" in the usual way. I spun him round in the trolley. We raced. One of our favorite supermarket pastimes is to find those little wall-mounted scanners they leave around the shop so you can price-check items. I will then grab a random object and scan it. The thing goes bleep and I say whatever comes up on the little screen. I picked up the first thing I layed my hand on and scanned it.

"Cat milk £1.96" I said in a robotic voice.

Cat milk? WHAT THE FU*K!

Poor little blighters. I phoned Jamie Oliver and Hugh Fearlessly Eats It ALL right away.

"Jamie mate. Did you know they sell cat milk? That's right. Absolute bastards eh? Think of the poor little blighters all standing in their little pens with their tiny teats being sucked by rubbery machines. That's right Geez. Pucker."

"Hugh! I was in the supermarket...Yeah I know. Ok Hugh it was a one off. I'm hardly ever there you know. Yeah well I do grow my own runner beans...Arm...Ok...I'll go kill a pig and get in touch with the reality of food...But Hugh, if I could squeeze something into the conversation. The bastards are selling Cat Milk. That's right. The milk of a cat. It's obscene. We have to do something. Jamie's up for it. I'm starting a campaign on Twitter"